dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
