I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Randomize
