I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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