I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
As shirtless as possible
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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