My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
