he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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