I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
