I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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