Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
