He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
