So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize