I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
They took my balls.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
