I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize