apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
