I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
