the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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