He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I need to sanitize my soul.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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