last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
