Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
