got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize