Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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