I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
