We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
