You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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