mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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