And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize