My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
