I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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