I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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