from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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