I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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