What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
