if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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