Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
