I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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