tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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