I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
