I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
