I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
