Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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