My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
