A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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