the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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