I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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