how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
