I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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