I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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