I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
