wrigley field is MILF paradise
farters have to be the big spoon...
Too much gin, very little bucket
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
