I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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