The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
