It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize