please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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