He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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