I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize