highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
