girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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