onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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